June 11, 2023•244 words
What haunts me the most about the experience in Kharkiv is not what I saw, but the thought of what I have yet to witness. The fear of myself in such chaos is something that keeps me up at night. It's not the fear of the Russians and their primitive imperial aspirations that drives me to escape to the West, but the fear of what I might become in the face of such violence.
Even the sight of suffering dogs triggered an anger within me that I've never felt before, and that terrifies me. It's not the fear of being a victim of war, but the fear of what I may be capable of in such extreme circumstances that drives me to seek safety elsewhere. The image of the dogs remains with me, a reminder of the horrors of war and the human capacity for violence.
If my fear of becoming someone capable of violence means that others will be heroes while I remain just a man, then so be it. It's a small price to pay to avoid the horrors of war and maintain my own sense of humanity. I’d say that I’d pray that one day we can all live in a world where such sacrifices are not necessary, and conflicts can be resolved through peaceful means but I do believe in a lot of evil and some good.
Good usually wins but evil has a lot of success along the way.