Ratdogs and Their Owners

Some people get what they call a dog – more like a rat – and treat it like a perpetual baby, not realizing that it is indeed a dog with canine needs, such as socialization and walking on the ground. When other dogs come near, the owners are horrified as if they were holding a rabbit or a squirrel. Then, they become annoyed with the owners of normal-sized dogs who treat canines like dogs. The audacity of letting these dogs smell their rat’s microscopic anus – how dare they not control their dogs!

The best part is that this all happens in a dog park, whereas the rat should be set free in a petting zoo at the local farm so it can hump a guinea pig or two in its miserable, freedomless life. Why that Dograt exists, or why their hippy owners acquired it, is beyond me. And why they’re sitting on a bench in a dog park with their four-legged snack is also beyond my comprehension.

Perhaps, like a cheap electric scooter is a gateway drug to a powerful racing motorbike, this Ratdog is the gateway drug to a beautiful St. Bernard with all its drool and massiveness. Or perhaps some lovely friend decided to gift that Ratdog out of love and kindness to this unfortunate new owner. So many people are incapable of ever saying no in this world. No to marriage. No to kids. And apparently, no to Ratdogs.

But perhaps I’m unfair. Perhaps, in her mind, she truly did give birth to that little fluffball, and it did spend an imaginary nine months in her virgin uterus, and she is just a helicopter pawrent. Give her time; she will chill out. She will let the Ratdog also raise its micro leg on a fire hydrant for a second or two, or maybe she’ll squash it to death in her sleep.

If the world is a dangerous jungle and you fear it, then perhaps you should get a Doberman and not a pathetic creature that cannot jump off a bench even when fully grown. But the world makes little sense, and weak people have weak creatures and strong people have strong creatures. Just as those who don’t need money have it, and those who need it don’t. Those who are OK alone find love, and those who hate being alone find abuse, if not physical, then emotional and mental.

Sorry, little Ratdog, but you’re the product of deeper issues that you won’t fix. But with luck, your owner will recover, and you’ll get to play with the dogs and experience some of that happiness that is to be felt in your microscopic tail.